Loneliness of a broken-heart

As I lay in bed attempting to write this post, my head is full of thoughts as I stare at the empty side of the bed that is supposed to hold the man I have given my whole life and devoted the last 5 years of my life to. Dinners are filled with silence more painful than childbirth. I think how I would react to a kind word or a sweet caress. Would I give in or stay rigid to the absurdity of the gesture. My heart has grown so cold to the thought of a happily ever after. I shiver from what, hurt feelings or the cold winter draft that leaks through the window that brings the early morning rays. Should I give into the bland routine I have grown accustomed to or should I demand to be loved like a newborn baby? Time has numbed any thought of Prince Charming. My dreams are filled with nothing. Gone are the wishes of falling head over heels. In its place are dreams of dungeons with no escape. To be trapped is an understatement. This is worse than a prison for there is no expiry date. I have pleaded for a reprieve only to be ignored like the 4 walls that surround me.

This is just a start of a thought for a story. Any thoughts? Good or bad? Should I pursue this or just let it rest? Input is always welcome.

Self care

As part of my resolution to do more for myself to help me be happier and not feel so bogged down with being a full time stay at home mom, I decided to start doing a strength and conditioning class at my sister’s gym that she owns. I have always enjoyed working out. I Rand long distance in high school for the track team and ran cross country in college. I enjoy being healthy and it’s wonderful to have the ability to workout and put that kind of healthy stress on my body.

Having 3 kids has made it hard for me to workout since my youngest is 9 months old so she still depends greatly on me. I love being a mother, but I have been told multiple times that I should also make time for myself. If I feel good then I can be a better mom.

Today was day 2 of working out and my body is very sore. It’s the good kind of sore that makes you happy to know you did more than sit on your butt all day cleaning up spit up, poop, pee, and toys. I’ve definitely noticed that since I started my blog and started following my resolutions I have felt more relaxed, less stressed, and overall happier. I still have bad days where I don’t want to get out of bed, but my good days are so good.

On top of working out, I started writing again which is something I have not done in 5 and a half years since I gave birth to my oldest son. I hope to find the confidence to share some of my writing with you all to get feedback good and bad. I hope everyone is having a splendid time with their resolutions and have a wonderful weekend!

Great advice

I have spent my entire day today reading blogs for new bloggers and new writers. Since being a published author is my dream, I thought it would help to hear from people with more experience.

I was blown away with the amount of advice, encouraging words, words of wisdom, and positive motivation. With my post partem depression, I find it hard to stay focused on tasks. My mind is always all over the place. I also am a stay at home mom so my angels are always running all over the place. It’s been so nice to see that I am not alone in my struggles.

What I love most about my journey so far is that I am surrounded by like minded people. Individuals who struggle but always find their way back. After all we are all human so struggling is inevitable. It’s been so nice to get positive comments in my blogs and words of encouragement especially on the bad days.

Thank you for following my blog. I look forward to hearing more from you all. And as always, feedback is always welcome.

Gaining confidence

I’m a naturally shy and quiet person. I’ve been this way my entire life. My family used to joke that people should worry about me because I was so quiet that they never knew what was going through my head and that I was probably planning something. In reality the only thing going through my mind was creative ideas of stories.

A little side note, I have always wanted to be a writer. I have written countless short stories through the years. Nothing worthy of publishing. But it’s been a dream of mine. Some good advice I got in high school was that good writers read good books. I love to read and live with my nose stuck in a book.

This dream is what led me to decide to try blogging. As a way of challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone, blogging is a great way to get my writing out and make connections with other creative individuals. I have not been blogging long, but have felt more confident and comfortable expressing my thoughts and telling people about my dreams.

I was very nervous about starting a blog because I’m not one to share my writing. But as we all know if I want to write my own books and have them published then I need to get over that fear. The first person I told about starting a blog was my 5 year old son. He has been my greatest inspiration because it was just he and I for the beginning of his life. We have an amazing bond so it was normal for me to confide in him first. I next told my younger sister who was supportive but didn’t have much thought about it. I took the leap and told my husband who, not meaning to, has been the biggest damper on me following my dreams. He prefers for me to do something that is more realistic than devoting my life to writing. He was, however, very supportive and enthusiastic. I started feeling more confident with the comments other bloggers were leaving and seeing that my blog was being followed. I decided to tell my in-laws and they were very supportive. I had a lengthy conversation with my brother in-law’s wife who told me that her friend is a successful blogger. She makes money from her blog which I’m hoping to get there one day as well. I finally decided to tell my side of the family.

Another side note, my family are the most judgmental people I know. I love them and I have a very good relationship with my entire family. But they are gossipy and judgmental. They were happy for me but they don’t think it’s going to last long before I give up on it.

Even with my family’s negativity, I am still feeling accomplished. I have started on my journey to making myself happy and challenging myself. This has been the greatest thing to happen to me and I am so glad I took the chance. I love how I have been feeling like I’m walking on air. I’ve been light and happy. My children have noticed how my mood has changed as well. I’m enjoying this journey and can’t wait to finally make my dreams come true.

Self Growth

I’m scrolling through Pinterest while breastfeeding my daughter and I came across an old saying that is relevant to my journey. “If you’re not growing, you’re dying”. This is exactly how I feel. I strive to challenge myself and learn new things. I want to explore all possibilities of life and grow. I don’t want to be stuck in the same place watching the years fly by.

Children challenge themselves by their curiosity. I watch my children learn by doing all day. I challenge them to try something new and explore. But I don’t do the same for myself. I strive to have the childish adventurous spirit to be curious without fear and learn new things.

This is my challenge for the new year. What is yours?

New Resolutions

Like most of the population, I make resolutions every year. And like most of the people who make resolutions, I fail to keep them after a couple months. This year I have decided to do it a bit different. Instead of choosing a resolution I could easily fail at I decided to choose something that could not be failed.

My resolutions are to just make my life happier and more fulfilling. I have spent a majority of my life doing for others and putting everyone above myself. But with my post partem depression I decided to be selfish. I want to take better care of myself and make myself a priority.

I’m the type of person who will volunteer first to help out someone in need. I’ve always been that way. But over the years I have noticed that it’s no longer a choice but an expectation to bend over backwards for everyone else. Lately it’s been if I don’t volunteer and neither do any of my other family members, I am seen as the bad guy because I should help out whenever I can. My family including my husband have started taking advantage of me. So this year I am choosing to say no when my help is not necessary. It may sound harsh, but I think right now it needs to be done.

More with my resolution for making myself a priority, I am going to challenge myself to try new things and get out of my wonderful comfortable bubble that I have formed around myself. I want to live a more fulfilling life by taking chances and just living life instead watching it pass me by. I’m 25 and feel the only accomplishments I have in life are my 3 wonderful children. No more watching my life pass by. I am going to be adventurous and show my children there is more to life than just our small town we live in.

I think this is going to be the best and most exciting year yet. I’m looking forward to new changes and many adventures. Anyone with great ideas of new opportunities are welcome to share their stories. Happy New Year!!!

Facing my fears.

My greatest fear is failure. It’s always been that way. My parents always put a lot of pressure on me to be the best behaved, smart, and to always do what is expected of me. I tried my best always to never let them down. I was a straight A student in school, I always said yes when they asked me to help them or help someone else, I got involved volunteering with as much as I possibly could. I never drank, never did drugs, didn’t go to parties, and had very few friends. My weekends consisted of doing homework or studying for exams that were weeks away. I did well in sports also. I never wanted to disappoint my family or fail at anything.

I did start to rebel my senior year though. I was taking college level classes but did not want to go to college. I had dreams of traveling and writing. That’s all I ever wanted. My parents, however, had other plans for me. They thought I should go to college and get a degree because I would go so far in life if I just tried. So, reluctantly, I applied for 4 colleges and got accepted to all 4. Honestly, I did not care which college I went to because I didn’t want to go. I didn’t know what to major in either. I decided to go to a school that was close to home and majored in journalism. I did very well at that school and was on Dean’s list with a 4.0 GPA. I also met my first serious boyfriend who ended up being the worst person to ever come into my life. I wasn’t happy though and went through some very dark times with my depression.

Fast forward and I was doing great in school, performed well in both cross country and track, was bragged about constantly by my parents, and told how proud they were that I was following through with my dream to get a degree. My 4th semester was one that changed my life forever. I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship which resulted in me getting pregnant. I waited as long as I could to tell my parents. When I did, all my mother cared about was how it was going to look and what people were going to say. She wanted me to get rid of the baby by any means necessary. My dad on the other hand was on my side the whole time. He was sad and happy at the same time. He asked me to not get an abortion and I confessed that I wanted to keep the baby. Well I did and now he is a healthy and happy 5 year old.

So that is where the disappointments started. I still continued with school but chose to leave after my depression got so bad that I thought of ending my life. My son being in my belly is the reason I never did. I could never harm another person.

Settling in as a single parent was rough. I worked 2 jobs, helped take care of my grandfather, went to school full time, and continued trying to be the star child for my family. I did not end up finishing school. I kept trying and 7 years later have still been trying.

I recently finished a full year at another college with straight A’s but ended up failing out because I put the needs of my 3 kids, my husband, my family, and everyone else above my own. I did not have the time to devote to my schoolwork so it did not happen. I would have only had 1 semester left but I failed my classes and was kicked out.

Through all these experiences, I realized that failing is part of life. I spent my entire life trying to be perfect and not fail that I didn’t live the life I wanted to live. Failing out of my 6th attempt at finishing my degree has helped me to finally decide to do what I want in life. I never wanted a degree. I always wanted to be a writer. I don’t need a fancy degree to follow my passion. So, although my family is not happy with my choice, I decided to take 2019 to embrace my failures and finally live my life.

I have not stepped up and told my family about starting my blog. I will. I have told my husband and my younger sister. I’m just not sure how to approach the subject with my family. It’s hard to know where to start especially with them. But I now know that I will fail and that’s ok. It’s okay to fail and not be the best. I’ll just keep moving forward.

So, my biggest fear is to fail but my biggest triumph is to not let failure keep me from living my fullest and happiest life.

A little about myself and why I’m choosing this journey.

As I’ve shared, I suffer from depression. I found out my senior year of high school that I have depression and it’s the reason why I was exhausted all the time and didn’t connect very well with people and why I cut myself for 3 years and why I had an eating disorder. But, I’d rather not focus on the bad. I feel my past does not define my future but helped me realize what I wanted from life.

I’m 25 and a stay at home mom. I have 3 crazy, wild, beautiful children. My children are 5, 2 (almost 3), and 8 and a half months old. They are my true passion and joy. Being a mother has helped me with my depression and also made it worse. I have suffered from post patten depression with each of my children. It got worse with each one. My depression mainly makes me feel like I’m not good enough for them or anyone. I have a wonderful bond with each of my children, but feel insufficient. Now you may be thinking “oh great another post about parenthood and depression”. My story is much different. Yes I suffer from depression, but that’s the reason I’m taking this journey.

I read a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and found myself truly inspired. I was laying in bed one morning thinking about how unhappy I am and realized I should try a Happiness journey. It is proven to help depression, so it’s right up my alley. My main focus is to find myself through this year long journey.

I make resolutions each year and like many find it hard to keep them. After reading the book I decided to try one last time. My resolution this year is to spend a year trying new things and challenging myself. I have been a mother since I found out I was pregnant at 19 years old. I have spent my 20’s always taking care if other people. But, have spent my entire life always doing, saying, acting according to someone else’s plan. So, 2019 is my opportunity to finally discover who I am and perhaps find a new hobby.

Any ideas of new things I can try are always welcome. I recently joined an adult book club at my local library. I figured that would be a good starting point on my journey and it would get me out of the house and around other adults. The first meeting is on January 19, so stay tuned to hear how it goes.

I would love for my blog to be interactive. I would love feedback and comments and suggestions to continue my journey. Like I mentioned above, I’m hoping to make this a year long journey and hope to possibly inspire others to try a Happiness and self discovery journey of their own. Everyone’s journey will be completely different but just as exciting.

So my question to everyone is, what resolutions do you make for the new year and what are your favorite hobbies?

A new beginning.

Hello. My name is Ashley Cordner. I’m new to blogging and hope to connect with many people starting new journeys. I decided to finally start my blog after reading a book that truly inspired me. I have longed to be a writer since I was a little girl and never pursued it out of fear of failure. So this is my new beginning. I resolved for the new year to challenge myself to try new things. I suffer from depression and have heard that blogging can help. So this is my journey. I hope to share my journey to trying new things and discovering myself with the world.