Facing my fears.

My greatest fear is failure. It’s always been that way. My parents always put a lot of pressure on me to be the best behaved, smart, and to always do what is expected of me. I tried my best always to never let them down. I was a straight A student in school, I always said yes when they asked me to help them or help someone else, I got involved volunteering with as much as I possibly could. I never drank, never did drugs, didn’t go to parties, and had very few friends. My weekends consisted of doing homework or studying for exams that were weeks away. I did well in sports also. I never wanted to disappoint my family or fail at anything.

I did start to rebel my senior year though. I was taking college level classes but did not want to go to college. I had dreams of traveling and writing. That’s all I ever wanted. My parents, however, had other plans for me. They thought I should go to college and get a degree because I would go so far in life if I just tried. So, reluctantly, I applied for 4 colleges and got accepted to all 4. Honestly, I did not care which college I went to because I didn’t want to go. I didn’t know what to major in either. I decided to go to a school that was close to home and majored in journalism. I did very well at that school and was on Dean’s list with a 4.0 GPA. I also met my first serious boyfriend who ended up being the worst person to ever come into my life. I wasn’t happy though and went through some very dark times with my depression.

Fast forward and I was doing great in school, performed well in both cross country and track, was bragged about constantly by my parents, and told how proud they were that I was following through with my dream to get a degree. My 4th semester was one that changed my life forever. I was in a very abusive and controlling relationship which resulted in me getting pregnant. I waited as long as I could to tell my parents. When I did, all my mother cared about was how it was going to look and what people were going to say. She wanted me to get rid of the baby by any means necessary. My dad on the other hand was on my side the whole time. He was sad and happy at the same time. He asked me to not get an abortion and I confessed that I wanted to keep the baby. Well I did and now he is a healthy and happy 5 year old.

So that is where the disappointments started. I still continued with school but chose to leave after my depression got so bad that I thought of ending my life. My son being in my belly is the reason I never did. I could never harm another person.

Settling in as a single parent was rough. I worked 2 jobs, helped take care of my grandfather, went to school full time, and continued trying to be the star child for my family. I did not end up finishing school. I kept trying and 7 years later have still been trying.

I recently finished a full year at another college with straight A’s but ended up failing out because I put the needs of my 3 kids, my husband, my family, and everyone else above my own. I did not have the time to devote to my schoolwork so it did not happen. I would have only had 1 semester left but I failed my classes and was kicked out.

Through all these experiences, I realized that failing is part of life. I spent my entire life trying to be perfect and not fail that I didn’t live the life I wanted to live. Failing out of my 6th attempt at finishing my degree has helped me to finally decide to do what I want in life. I never wanted a degree. I always wanted to be a writer. I don’t need a fancy degree to follow my passion. So, although my family is not happy with my choice, I decided to take 2019 to embrace my failures and finally live my life.

I have not stepped up and told my family about starting my blog. I will. I have told my husband and my younger sister. I’m just not sure how to approach the subject with my family. It’s hard to know where to start especially with them. But I now know that I will fail and that’s ok. It’s okay to fail and not be the best. I’ll just keep moving forward.

So, my biggest fear is to fail but my biggest triumph is to not let failure keep me from living my fullest and happiest life.

Published by Ashleyhouck

I’m a stay at home mom to 3 wonderful angels and many fur babies.

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